Hermione Granger and the Plot with Plot Devises
by Stella Malodi
Summary: Hermione is walking around the Black Lake when she runs smack into the dreaded Plot Devise #483587623496! She is then dramatically thrown back in time to speak with a founder for two hours before being returned to her own time. crack!fic Oneshot


**Disclaimer: Why on Earth would JKR be writing fanfiction when she can be writing canon? I'm not her and I'm not into the slave business, so I don't own anything or anyone you recognize. Now, enjoy.**

It was a cool, dark, and gloomy evening in November. The leaves had turned and were mostly fallen, but the Forbidden Forest was as intimidating as ever. Hermione Granger was walking along the shores of the Black Lake, pondering life's mysteries and the number forty-two. It was her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and one of the busiest years yet. She had dropped several classes after her hectic third year, which meant she (thankfully) no longer needed a time-turner. Despite her shorter schedule, she was still taking more classes than any of her classmates. That hadn't been the case the previous year, but, after OWLs, most students dropped the courses that weren't necessary for their chosen careers.

Hermione was not 'most students,' and her best friends lovingly called her mental for voluntarily taking on that much coursework. Because of the enormous amount of work required to pass her classes, it was incredibly rare for her to take any breaks from studying, rarer yet for her to do so without the company of her friends, as she was currently doing.

She had been walking for some time, not really paying attention to her surroundings, and barely even noticed that she had entered that part of the Forbidden Forest that reached out to touch the shore of the Lake. Therefore, she was completely shocked when Plot Devise #483587623496 occurred and she noticed something shiny reflecting light from under a bunch of gnarled tree roots, doubtless originating from the Ancient Tree they surrounded. (Note: Plot Devise #483587623496 should not be confused with the more standard Plot Devise #483587623495, in which Hermione stupidly follows a Strange Light into the middle of the Forbidden Forest, which is the typical residence of Ancient Trees. One can only wonder what this Ancient Tree did to get kicked out of Plot Devise #483587623495; perhaps it dyed its leaves purple.)

Hermione stared, slightly shocked at the very strange Ancient Tree. It was most certainly unlike any Ancient Tree she had ever read about. In fact, it was quite strange that the bit of metal she first noticed was under the tree, as there seemed to be an odd amount of metal in unlikely places all over the Ancient Tree.

Gathering her Gryffindor courage, she walked up and, feeling slightly silly, said, "Hello? Mr. Tree? I noticed you seem to have a bit of Sparkling Metal under your roots… Do you mind if I take it?"

The Ancient Tree looked at her in disbelief. "_First of all, my name is MS. Sally Tree. Second of all, trees don't talk. Third, of course you can take it; just don't expect me to tell you anything about it; that would ruin the plot._"

Hermione raised one eyebrow skeptically and said, "You know, for trees being unable to talk, you seem to be awfully chatty. And what's so important about that piece of metal that you can't tell me anything about it?"

The Ancient Tree looked bashful (although how it managed that is anyone's guess) and admitted, "_Well, I'm not actually supposed to talk. I'm an Ancient Tree; only Magical Ancient Trees are allowed to talk, and even then it's only for Plot Devises #483580623496- 48358538400. I really need to stop talking; if I don't, this will turn into a crack!fic, and believe me, you do __**not**__ want that to happen. It would be chaos, or at least chaotic._"

Hermione stared a bit more, then shrugged. "_Whatever,_" she thought in italics, "_This is probably a very strange dream, so I might as well act a little OOC. It's more fun._" With that, Hermione knelt in front of the tree, grabbed the sparkly bit of metal and discovered it was a gold necklace with a tiny gold hourglass dangling on it. "_How pretty,_" she thought in italics, "_I think I'll go show Ron and Harry._"

* * *

One page break later, she was in the common room, showing off her new trinket to a couple of boys who could care less. "I wonder what it is?" asked Hermione.

"I think it's a necklace," replied Captain Ronald Obvious.

"Well, I _know_ that," retorted Hermione, "But I wonder what kind of magic powers it has…"

"What makes you think it has magic powers?" Harry inquired sensibly.

"Well, the Ancient Tree that wasn't supposed to talk said that it couldn't tell me anything about it since talking trees are a whole other Plot Devise entirely."

"Talking tree?" asked Ron skeptically.

"Well, not technically," Hermione started before being interrupted by Harry.

"Wait, did you say Plot Devise?"

"Yes…" Hermione said slowly.

Harry paled dramatically before saying in a Commanding Voice, "Take it off. **Now.**"

"Harry, mate," Ron started joking as Hermione reached up to take off the necklace, "I never knew you liked Hermione that way."Harry blushed a bit, but otherwise ignored him as Hermione realized with growing horror that she could not remove the necklace. Harry swore under his breath, and Hermione frowned at him.

"Hermione, this is very important. Do you remember which plot devise it was? And have you had any odd thoughts lately?"

Hermione frowned thoughtfully and said, "Well, I think it was Plot Devise #483587623496..." Harry looked relieved, but before he could say anything to explain, Hermione continued, "And the only odd thought I've had was something along the lines of, 'Gee, I wish I could go back in time and talk to Rowena Ravenclaw about how messed up our world is.'" Harry paled again as Hermione disappeared in a flash of Golden Light.

"Harry, mate," Ron asked warily, "What happened?"

Harry sighed and said, "I think she's gone back in time to talk to Rowena Ravenclaw about how messed up our world is. Luckily, it won't create a paradox or Alternate Universe; the 483587620000 Plot Devises cover time travel where the time line fixes itself. See, she'd already gone back to talk to the founders before she ever found that necklace; she just hadn't done it yet."

"Harry," Ron said weakly, "I don't understand and I don't think I want to."

Harry nodded. "Okay. Fancy a game of chess?"

* * *

In the meantime, a line had appeared in the middle of the page and Hermione had appeared in the middle of Rowena Ravenclaw's office. After explaining the bizarre circumstances surrounding her arrival, she was offered a seat. Luckily, the founder had heard about that particular Plot Devise before, and was able to tell her that the necklace, as she had no doubt figured out, was an uber-timeturner. Nobody was quite certain when it had first appeared, but it had appeared in legend often enough that the limitations were well-known and severe enough to be impractical. Simply put, the uber-timeturner drew on ambient magic for its power; because of this, it could take a person as far back in time as they wanted to go for approximately two hours. The drawback to the open-ended destination was that it would take fifty years for the devise to recharge. When Hermione heard her time-limit for remaining in the past, she started spouting questions to the older woman, who reminded her forcefully of Professor McGonagall. She didn't stop until about an hour and a half after her arrival, when she was stunned into silence…

* * *

Hermione Granger sat at a desk in front of Rowena Ravenclaw, absentmindedly stroking the uber-timeturner that had allowed her this opportunity. Quite frankly, she was in shock. Not because she was chatting with a historically brilliant and powerful witch; she'd quickly grown used to that, as she got along quite well with the older woman. Rather, she was completely stunned and open-mouthed due to the stupidity of modern wizards and witches. The fabled founder had just revealed the reasoning behind the house system, and Hermione was shocked that, not only had everyone forgotten why the system was in place, but once they'd forgotten, they never thought of it again. "You mean to tell me that the House system was based on _learning styles_?" Hermione practically shouted. When the founder slowly nodded, clearly beginning to question the sanity of her so-called 'visitor from the future,' Hermione slumped in her seat and started hitting her head on the desk, mumbling things that sounded like "stupid house rivalries," "bloody _**wars**_ fought over _learning styles_," "Hogwarts, A History has failed me," and "why did they never write these things DOWN?" between solid **thunk**s.

Rowena peered at the distressed teenager with some amount of trepidation before elaborating. "Well, yes, of course that's what they're based on. Why else would we have set up such a system?" She paused, waiting to see if the strange girl would answer, but the dazed teenager just stared and her with glassy eyes. Ravenclaw's founder cautiously continued. "Godric has always preferred a hands-on approach, so he chose to teach those who learn better in a practical environment. Salazar likes to... almost _trick_ his students into learning. Also, he's not above bribing his students to do good work, so he teaches those who respond well to a competitive environment. Helga teaches students who are honest enough not to cheat; her students tend learn best when given an abundance of what my eagles have always deemed 'busy work,' which is an ineffective style if the students don't actually do their own work. I teach those who thrive on independent study, books, and classroom lectures. Once a subject has captured their attention, my job is almost easy." The founder paused again and grinned in what Hermione once would have called a downright Slytherin fashion. "In general, I just point them to the books, or the person who knows what they want to learn, and stand back. Of course, the difficulty is that not all of the students have the same interests. If the majority of my eagles weren't so curious, I would have a bit of a nightmare trying to get, say, the Charms fanatics to concentrate in Potions class. But, as long as I can show them some way the Potions relates to Charms, or is useful in helping them to better understand Charms, they don't give me too much trouble. Honestly, I think I got the best deal of the lot." She finished her monologue, sounding a bit smug.

Hermione had finally calmed down, and was nodding along; what the founder said made sense. She was over her shock and was back to her normal, inquisitive self. However, before she could voice any of the many questions she was bursting to ask, Rowena returned to her previous question. "Tell me, in your day, why do they think that we set up the houses?"

Hermione sighed. "In all honesty, I don't think anyone's thought about it for a very long time. The houses have been stereotyped beyond all recognition. Instead of being based on learning styles, the houses are thought to be divided because of the personality traits that go along with those learning styles."

The founder rocked back in shock and horror, appalled that a perfectly innocent and logical system had been twisted so. "They honestly believe that we would judge and divide _**eleven-year-olds **_based on _**personality traits**_? Dear Merlin, they must think we're **monsters** to do such a thing, or be monsters themselves! No one's personality is defined by the time they're **eleven**! They haven't even _begun_ to figure out what kind of people they are! I could _almost_ understand doing that if it was a school for adults, but people wouldn't even _think_ of dividing a bunch of adults into houses and making them dorm together! Their personalities would clash; it would be chaos! Back to the original point, even _**if**_ people's personalities were developed by the time they were eleven," here, she sniffed at the absurdity of that statement, "You wouldn't want to put all of the people with the same personality traits together! That's pure stupidity! Anyone who showed 'traits' from the other houses would be ostracized, would be _**ridiculed**_, and those traits attributed to a house would become the most essential parts of a person's personality! No student has 'traits' associated with only one house, and if those traits _were_ the basis of the sorting, no student would really be a perfect fit for any of the houses. There are plenty of knowledge-seekers who learn better from example and experimentation than from books. Why would I want to stop them from learning with Godric's lions, when that's the environment that will suit them best? Merlin, I can't imagine what a mess this system would lead to. Or rather, I can imagine it, but I'm horrified at the thought of a society built by people who are judged and divided and the ripe old age of _**eleven**_!" She shuddered, then continued, "But, as I was saying, even _**if**_ their personalities were developed by the time they were eleven," she looked like she wanted to sniff disapprovingly again, "You wouldn't put all the people with the same personality traits together. It would be much smarter to have the students dorm in groups of four, with one person from each house for each group. Obviously, the student body wouldn't be divided equally between the four houses-"

Hermione interrupted, "Actually, it's surprising how equally they _are_ divided. If there are forty new first years, it would be surprising if any house got more than twelve or thirteen new students." The founder huffed a little at being interrupted; Hermione immediately apologized.

Rowena Ravenclaw acknowledged the apology, then glanced at the clock. With a speculative look and a bit of a frown, she turned back to the girl and asked, "How much longer will you be able to remain?"

Hermione looked at the clock as well and her eyes widened. "Oh cr-" she started to exclaim as a golden glow, originating from the uber-timeturner, enveloped her and whisked her back to her own time. Hermione sat up and almost cried. "I didn't even get to ask her what Slytherin had against Muggleborns! Although, now that I think about it, it was probably just a problem with the culture shock..."

**Feel free to read, review, nitpick, Britpick, whatever. I love comments, I like constructive criticism, but I would feel like a hypocrite if I got any more demanding than that. I hope you enjoyed the story.**


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